


And let it kill you

by star_k



Series: Ad arbitrium [2]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, M/M, Miscommunication, Pining, if you pay attention you'll notice this one isn't tagged as AU soulmates ayy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-23
Updated: 2019-09-23
Packaged: 2020-10-26 11:23:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20741408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/star_k/pseuds/star_k
Summary: "Love is either a human construct or it can be real.But either it is real, or you make it so."Louis doesn't believe in fate, but rather in choice. There's nothing romantic about being stripped out of his own.





	And let it kill you

**Author's Note:**

> **This story is part of a series. It can be read on its own or as a part of it. This is the first possible ending, so if you're not satisfied with it you can try the other one. Or as I also like to call this, this is part one of two sides of the same story. **
> 
> All I gotta say is louis is way easier to write cuz he eats bagels for breakkie instead of cliched kerouac quotes like mr styles himself
> 
> Also thanks who stuck till now. That's for you Steph and An. Y'all rock.

**12 yo - 8 yo**

Moving was always a hassle, no doubt. Moving when you’re a preteen with younger siblings and all your friends are left behind is a living nightmare, Louis was soon to find out.

Luckily enough, it didn’t take him longer than a week during that summer to make a new friend, strange as she was.

Gemma was energetic and female and nothing really like the lads back in Doncaster but at the same time he felt just as at ease with her. They clicked. They talked about the same things together, they listened to the same music. It was fine, it was easy.

Louis almost liked his new home already.

It was a tad smaller, maybe, and the girls stuck around complaining all day long, so he took it into himself to play with them and help his mom, but when it all became too much he couldn’t resist taking his walkman and going out to just walk around aimlessly.

Thus, enter the Styles.

Their house became his new refuge and Gemma his new partner to chat, to play with the girls and to gossip. He felt like he already knew everyone he was supposed to meet at his new school (and he even knew already who he wasn’t going to like very much).

They watched the telly - and thankfully Gemma liked his kind of stuff as well, he dreaded having to watch another cliche soap opera because of his sisters. It was Grease, and Matrix, and Peter Pan, and New York Minute, and Interview with the Vampire, and Billy Elliot, and - they just had fun. And Louis, Stan forgive him, had found a new best mate.

It was cool. Surprisingly cool. Gave him a bit of hope.

That was, until Harry ruined it.

To say he ruined it was a bit much, maybe. Louis knew him as the little brother, the other one that would be around. He couldn’t have this much of a power anyway. Not at first.

Louis had been sitting down at the Styles back garden, considering his options between Harry’s discarded football under the summer sun or going inside to deal with Gemma still on the phone with her grandma when Harry arrived, his shadow shaking Louis’ off of his thoughts.

“Alright there, lad?”

He thrusted a bouquet of flowers towards Louis, obviously picked from his mom’s garden.

“And what’s this?” Louis smiled, confused by the action.

“They’re flowers.”

Louis sniggered. “I can see that. Are they for your mum?”

“No, they’re for you.”

Louis frowned but took them slowly, careful not to rip any of the petals out. “Thanks, Curly. Cheers.”

Harry grinned bright, one of his front teeth still growing. Louis didn’t want to be rude, so even without knowing what it was all about, he smiled back and took it as Harry being a weird child.

But it happened again. And again. And again.

“Listen, Gems,” Louis began one day, holding the bouquet in his hands while Harry ran off towards his friend and they walked out of the house. Gemma was laughing still, but he kept on talking anyway. “You gotta tell your baby brother to stop giving me these. He’s gonna rip your mum’s garden apart and she’s gonna hate me for it.”

“Nah, she won’t,” she laughed, “she thinks it’s adorable.”

“Well, I don’t.” At Gemma’s raised eyebrow, he shrugged. “What do I even do with flowers? I either give them to my mum or Lottie or throw them away, and I always feel bad when I throw them away.”

“So don’t.”

“Yeah, which comes back to what do you even do with flowers anyway? Why does he even give them to me? Does he give them to you as well?”

“Uh, no.” Gemma cracked up again and Louis felt there was something more she wasn’t telling him.

“Gems?” He put the bouquet aside and stared at her curiously, “why does he even give these to me?”

“Ask him that the next time you see him, you’ll understand.”

Louis wished it had been that simple. It was not.

“It’s cause you’re my mate,” Harry grinned, tongue peeking out from the gap on his teeth. He held the bouquet higher for Louis to take. “So I want to treat you right, like a proper gentleman.”

_ Well, thanks, but no, thanks, _ Louis almost blurted out but held back. 

Harry was just a kid, he didn’t want to be rude to a kid or make him cry and make Gemma mad at him. Besides, he probably didn’t even know what he was saying. He would probably stop with this nonsense soon enough and let Louis be in peace.

“Yeah, man, alright. Thanks. But stop bringing me these, soon enough your mum is gonna end up with no flowers in her garden.” He took them slowly, trying to convey to Harry he didn’t truly want them.

“It’s alright, Niall already told me I could take his mum’s flowers as well,” Harry grinned.

#  **14 yo - 10 yo**

“Hey there, if it isn’t lover boy!” Gemma called out in the middle of their school corridor, running towards him while avoiding the other people walking around towards their classes.

“Shut up, Gems,” he elbowed her side, “if Betty hears you she’s gonna start teasing me all over again.”

“Oi, don’t hit me, prick,” she pushed him away and he apologized quickly for hitting someone standing by from it, “ _ fine _ , spoilsport. I don’t know why it bothers you so much, anyway.”

“It’s annoying.” He screwed up his nose.

“It’s cute.”

“Yeah, you only say that cause you’re not the one being chased by a literal 10 year old  _ kid _ .”

“Well, yeah,” she clucked her tongue, “but he’s my baby brother, so everything he does I think it’s a mix of cute and annoying.”

“Ugh, you’re the worst,” Louis rolled his eyes, pulling his bag up higher on his shoulder. “Are we still up for the movies today?”

“Fuck yes! I even asked Ellis and Ayden to come with us, this could be a double date!”

“We’re not dating, Gems,” Louis laughed, “although by how much you push me around we might as well be.”

“Shut  _ up _ ,” she punched him in the arm, “you know I mean you and Ellis, me and Ayden.”

“Oi, don’t hit me, prick,” he repeated to her mockingly. “Of course I knew what you meant, no need to get so violent.”

“Let’s blame it on hormones.”

“God, if you start making out with him beside me I’m gonna throw up on you.”

“You won’t if you are distracted enough with Ellis, God, pay attention.”

Louis grumbled and followed her inside their next class. He wasn’t really excited by the prospect of making out with Ellis, or anyone for that matter. It was more mechanical than something to enjoy, really. He kind of wondered if everyone else was faking as well.

There was a lull in the middle of class where people managed to talk and the teacher let them, so Louis turned to Gemma to continue their discussion.

“Are you sure this is a good idea?”

“Of course it is, lover boy.”

“Ohh,” a voice cut in from the chair in front of Gemma’s and Betty turned around, smirk in place. “Are we talking about baby Harry? Did Louis finally say yes?”

“Stop being gross, Bethany, he’s 10.” Louis replied angrily.

“Yeah, but that’s not a no,” she laughed and turned to Gemma, “is he still infatuated, then?”

“Uh,” she looked at Louis’ crossed arms and sour expression before answering Betty, “it’s more of a hero worship, really, Betty.”

“He said he’s your mate, that’s hardly hero worship talk, Louis,” she cracked up again at his face. “Stop being a bloody cunt about it, he’s just a kid.”

“That’s my whole bloody point, you wench.”

“Yeah, but you know what they say, kids are more sensitive to this kind of stuff. Maybe he’s right, you know.” She pinched him on the cheek and turned to her chair, paying attention again to their teacher.

Gemma tried to laugh it off as well, but Louis wasn’t in the mood to deal with that shit again. Not anymore. It had been two years now and he was done with that fucking bullshit. He didn’t need to take it from everyone and be joked about just so not to tell Harry he was annoying him with his overzealous bouquets, or talk, or spontaneous confessions.

If destiny was kind, he would present as a beta anyway and this whole joke could be finally left behind.

By the time class was over, Gemma had slipped him a little note:

_ ‘hey, sorry for the nickname thing _ __   
_ that sucked, i agree, let’s never do it again _ _   
_ __ we still up for the movies?????’

Louis smiled small and looked up at Gemma. She looked anxious and a bit apologetic. Maybe she finally realized how dumb that whole story was.

He nodded at her and gave two thumbs up. It was fine, life moved on and so did he.

-

#  **16 yo - 12 yo**

His mother forgive him, but Louis always prayed he never presented like she did. To hear her past experiences and what was being an O like, he never wished that to himself. He didn’t want to be an alpha either, just somewhere in the middle where he could be himself and nothing more troublesome to add to it.

So when he woke up in the middle of the night with a raging hard on, his pants wet and glued to his arse, with a fever running crazy, he didn’t do much else besides turn sideways so he could stare out the window and curse himself and fate and God and his biology.

The tears came soon after.

He hated it.

But soon enough he snuck his hand inside his underwear and dealt with it. The shame soon turned to pleasure, and by the time he had fingered himself to an orgasm for a third time it was morning already.

He snuck outside to take a shower and warn his mom what had happened. His family’s glee felt incongruous to how he felt, the pain around his lower back and arse, his glands swollen from producing so much slick. He felt on edge and locked himself back on his bedroom. There was no medicine for his fever but  _ cock _ , and wasn’t that amazing? Incredible?

So fucking degrading.

He snuck his hand inside his clean pants once more and felt how wet already they were. He felt sorry for his own bed clothes and mattress but powered through, fingers quick as they slipped inside.

He dreaded getting used to this, but knew it was going to be his life now.

The looks he was going to get, for sure. Coming out as gay before he even had a gender had been hard already, coming out as gay and an omega was going to be hell on Earth and he knew it. Not that he minded - he could deal with whatever the fuckers threw at him, but it didn’t mean it was going to be _ fun _ .

God, he hated it.

(He came with a choked off moan.)

By the next morning, his fever got worse. Nobody came into his room and he basically spent the whole day naked. Thankfully, he was so out of it he didn’t even feel ashamed of his moans or how desperately he fucked himself on the dildo his  _ mum _ bought him.

By the third day, his fever broke out and so did his demons.

He focused on it being natural and biological and normal while he took the dildo out of his arse one last time, his mind clearer. He was on top of the wet spot - although, his whole bed was a wet spot right then. He got up slowly, mindful of his sore arse, took the bedclothes out and threw them away on the floor. The mattress was a bit difficult to lift on his own but he made do, propped it beside his opened window and left for a much needed shower.

His sisters better forgive him for hogging the shower, but he was on a dire need of it.

He washed his hair twice, using his mum’s scent blocker shampoo. He could barely look at his body anymore, yet he scrubbed himself clean until his skin tingled and got red in a few places. He needed to feel fresh and clean again to start this new era.

The girls complained the whole time he ate his breakfast about how long he took in the shower, but his mom made sure to tell them how Louis needed it and not to pester him anymore. He let their bickering wash over him, and barely paid attention to his mum when she told him he should take this one day off as well.

Honestly, he just wanted to be back to his normal life and wait until things settled down and he finally got used to whatever life was going to be like now.

He had dealt with it once already, he could deal with it again.

His first mistake had been not listening to his mom.

Arriving at Sixth Form after a two-day absence under normal circumstances was already reason enough for gossip and curiosity to spread. Arriving at school after your first heat and still under its influence was quite possibly the reason for gossiping for the whole semester.

Gemma stayed by his side all the time, first joking with him and asking how terrible it had been. After the first wolf whistle and the first leering look, she became an anchor for him to get through the whole day.

Sadly, she had been on the bathroom when a little note fell on his chair.

‘how about a knot in this fresh arse of yours tomlinson? i can smell you from here, i know you want it’

He tore it apart, and refused to try and find out who had been the scum that had sent it to him. By the feel of gazes on his back, it had been more than one arsehole and he wasn’t stupid enough to try and fight them on his own.

Moments like these made him miss Doncaster more than he could stand.

Lunch was even more irritating, when it wasn’t a classroom but a whole bunch of people mingling around and whispering and looking at him. God, how did he regret being one of these people when it was someone else coming back from a heat.

To make matters worse, Betty never kept her mouth shut.

“Do you think this means little Harry will be an alpha then?”

Louis grabbed his bag and got up from their spot, not even waiting for Gemma to get up as well. “Fuck off, Betty. Just fuck off.”

He walked down the corridor to throw his garbage away and when he heard another wolf whistle he turned around, middle finger raised in the air toward the sound. “Fuck the fuck off, you bunch of fucking pricks.”

“Ooooh,” laughed a group of older guys Louis didn’t even remember ever talking to, one of them blowing kisses back at him and another screaming about a sassy omega.

He turned around, furious with the whole damn universe. One fucking heat and everyone treated him as if he was something else but himself. It made anger crawl all over his skin.

“Fuck this shit,” he mumbled and walked out of the corridor, quickly making his way down the main entrance and outside the school. He could talk to Gemma later or send her a message, whatever he felt like doing. Right now, all he needed was his bed and out of that nightmare.

The building wasn’t close to his house and usually he took a bus, but that day he didn’t mind walking the 40 minutes it took to get home. He needed the air and the walk, but most of all the anonymity of just walking down a venue where no one knew who the fuck he was and realize what had changed in him in the short spam of 3 days.

By half the way, Louis calmed down enough to slow down his steps and actually pay attention to his surroundings, to enjoy the afternoon outside and walk leisurely. His body still tingled a bit, but nothing to bother him too much, his head seemed to be way worse. Luckily, the universe decided to smile at him just a little bit for once, when he chose to calm down and actually accept his fate.

“Yo, Tommo?”

He looked around and found Zayn leaning backwards against the only vending they knew that sold cigarettes without pestering about ID. He was smoking slowly, his uniform disarrayed and his bag by his feet.

“Haven’t you failed classes already by the amount of time you skip?”

“Pot, kettle,” he smiled and offered his pack to Louis. “Want one?”

“Fuck yes, you can’t imagine the fucking day I just had,” he lit it up with the lighter he always carried in his bag front pocket, took a drag and exhaled slowly. “Damn, this is good.”

“Nicotine hasn’t even had time to kick in yet, man,” Zayn laughed, threw his fag out and lit another one for himself.

“Yeah, but just having one on your hand helps, you know?”

Zayn sighed out some smoke, “yeah, I do.”

They stayed in silence for a bit, just smoking. Zayn wasn’t from his school so they only saw each other on the street playing football or in these weird coincidences, sometimes at the same parties they attended. He wasn’t a close friend, but someone easy to hang out with and at that moment, who seemed to be the perfect company for Louis.

That didn’t explain why he chose to blurt out what he did though.

“I just presented as an omega and I fucking hate it. This fucking sucks.”

Zayn hummed and inhaled some more nicotine. Louis followed suit. They exhaled.

“But it’s not as if you didn’t know before how you were going to present, right? There are signs. A person knows these things.” Zayn mumbled and scratched his nose, his voice with barely no inflection at all.

Louis made a face. “I hoped I was going to be a beta.”

“Hoping isn’t knowing, man.”

Louis looked away and tapped on the bum, watching the ash fall down to the pavement. “Fuck this shit, I hate it.”

“That’s alright, but you can’t change this shit, bro.” Zayn exhaled loudly and continued “God knows sometimes I wish I could.”

“What?” Louis looked back at him startled. “You’re an O?”

“Yeah, can’t you tell?”

“No.”

“Well, neither could I. This shit is so weird, sometimes I wonder why people make such a fuss about it - then I remember how much of a pain in the arse alphas are and I understand who are the wankers behind it all.” Zayn smirked, an eyebrow raised as he stared jokingly at Louis.

“You’re being serious. You really are an O.”

“Yeah.”

“How-”

Zayn scoffed, “pretty sure you know first hand that, Louis.”

“No, I mean,” Louis backtracked a bit. He took another drag and then continued, “how did you manage to keep doing your stuff without people bothering you about it?”

Zayn stared at him with a mix of incredulity and scorn, “I just kept doing my same shit. Nobody bothered me for being me, man. And whoever tried, I put them right back to their places. Getting your arse wet doesn’t change who you are, man.”

“I know, it’s just,” he passed a tired hand over his face, suddenly exhausted. His cigarette had burned to the filter already and he didn’t even have anything else to distract him from it. “Fuck.”

“You gotta stop paying attention to the shit we see in media, Tommo. People ain’t like that.”

“I know, you prick, stop trying to educate me or whatever you’re doing and give me another one instead,” he extended his hand, asking for it and sniggering when Zayn rolled his eyes but gave him the pack either way. He quickly took one and lit it. “Now this is good.”

“You bother me for advice you don’t listen and then steal all my cigarettes,” he complained, but jostled Louis jokingly with his shoulder. “Next time we’re both out you’re paying me a round and burgers after.”

“Fine, but only because then it would be O solidarity,” Louis joked back, smile cheeky.

“Wanker.”

“So much so I’m still feeling sore,” Louis prided himself in making Zayn laugh at that and for not blushing after his confession.

They stayed in silence for a bit more, just enjoying their cigarettes and watching the cars go down the street.

“It’s not so bad, you know,” Zayn broke the silence this time.

“What?”

“Being an O.”

Louis looked at him again, “you’re really being serious.”

“I am.” He shrugged. “It’s just you, but with a lil twist. A bit wetter, sure, but nothing more. It’s kinda fun. More pleasurable as well,” he grinned.

Louis rolled his eyes.

“Heard you were gay, that sure will help as well. Not that it would impose you to be a bottom, but you know. Makes it easier. I always heard that’s the more joyful ride to have, even. Heh,” he laughed again.

“Why do you even have a dark and mysterious persona to you? You’re a bloody idiot,” Louis laughed back.

“It’s the hair.”

“And the pot?”

“And the pot.” 

They laughed once more. Louis blamed the weightlessness he felt when the nicotine hit, but surely it couldn’t be just that. Sometimes a friend popped up from the most unusual place and just helped you out.

“I better be going,” Louis sighed when he finished a third one Zayn offered him silently, “or I’ll smoke your whole pack and I’ll smell so much my mum will yell the house down.”

“You already do,” Zayn smirked, but put his pack away. “See you Friday?”

“What’s up then?”

“Jake’s throwing a house party at his, said to call the lads from footie and whoever we like. You should come, pay me that burger.”

“Yeah, sure.”

“I could even introduce you to a nice alpha friend of mine, have him take care of that virgin arse of yours,” he laughed again.

“Fuck off, Malik,” Louis grumbled, self conscious again.

“Either he will or I will, Tommo,” he stepped closer and gave a little peck against Louis’ lips, “stop worrying so much, that’s stupid.”

Louis was still too shocked from the surprise kiss, so he just gave Zayn the two-finger salute and walked away. 

Two streets down, he felt himself smiling slowly. Maybe the wanker was right, after all. Zayn probably wasn’t lying to him, there was no reason for him to. This shit was just another of puberty’s tricks and it didn’t change shit much. Sure, his arse would get wet now and he would want to shove something inside it once in a while, but then so what? That didn’t change who he was, just added to it. And it wasn’t even news, if he were honest, not when he had a lube package half used from way before his heat and how he had known yesterday precisely how to best finger himself to orgasm from previous experience. It was all cool.

He let himself hold onto that hope until he turned the street from his house and saw Harry and his friend Niall playing outside, going around in circles in their bicycles. Louis stopped his step and wondered if that was the moment his happy bubble would burst down but refused to do so because of some fucking kid. He kept walking forward, until he was closer to his front entrance.

“Hey, look Harry, it’s Louis,” Niall called out and Louis could see from the corner of his eye Harry lose his equilibrium from the bicycle and turn around, both feet in the ground, to see Louis. He stopped and looked at both children.

“Hey.”

“Louis!” Harry yelled, overexcited. Niall just waved in his direction, a small smirk by the corner of his lips. Louis felt a headache coming.

“Yes, it’s me.”

“Louis! Long time no see!” Harry exclaimed again, awkwardly walking closer to Louis with his bicycle between his legs.

“Yeah, I had some… stuff.”

Perfect.

“Right,” Harry slowed down a bit. “Sorry about that,” he continued lower, “are you okay now? Feeling better?”

Louis raised an eyebrow, somewhat surprised Harry didn’t say anything about it. He obviously knew what was going on, otherwise he would have asked. Niall kept quiet as he usually did, mostly letting Harry do all the talking to Louis.

“Yeah, just peachy.”

“Good,” he grinned, finally stopping his awkward waddle to sit on the bench of his bicycle, a couple meters away from Louis. 

“Shouldn’t you two be in school right now?”

“Nope! There’s a field trip to London today and both me and Niall decided to skip it.”

“Yeah, what’s the fun in going to London when you’re 12 and can’t do shit?” Niall finally piped in and Louis averted his eyes to look quickly at him.

“Isn’t it supposed to be some study trip or sumwhat? Shouldn’t the fun be studying?” He asked, a little animated by the normality of what was happening.

“Come on, Louis, not even you believe that,” Harry cut in, hands gripping the handle bar impatiently and turning the front wheel a little bit sideways. “That’s lame and we all know it.”

“Well, yeah, but I’m not supposed to tell you that, am I?”

Both kids laughed and Louis took it as his cue to turn around and get in. 

He didn’t even feel mad when he heard Niall tell Harry ‘I told you he wasn’t going to change’, but took it as just another clue maybe this wasn’t so bad after all. Maybe some changes weren’t for the worst of it.

-

#  **18 yo - 14 yo**

“Oh, come the fuck on, Liam, that’s bullshit and you know it!” Louis said loudly, hoping his voice would carry over the loud sounds of the pub. He leaned over his boyfriend and took leverage to throw a piece of napkin at his friend’s face for his convoluted ideas.

“It’s not! Come on, guys, I can’t be the only one who believes in it?” Liam begged, puppy eyes on full force.

“Soulmates? I kind of believe in it, too, but not exclusively to the bonding-type,” Danielle shrugged and took a sip from her cup. Louis smirked, glad to see Liam take the opportunity to make his move and lay a hand on her arm.

“How so? That seems interesting.” He asked, hand soft on her arm. Louis cheered inside for his daring and pinched Arthur’s arm under the table to contain his excitement. His boyfriend just laughed at him, the jerk, and patted him on the leg.

“I mean, sometimes your soulmate could be a family member, you know? Someone who gets you completely. It’s not inherently sexual, nor exclusive to As and Os, it’s just about souls who complete each other.” She played with the straw on her cup but slowly inched her way closer to Liam, her eyes focused on the table but her smile giving her away.

“That’s a load of crap, Dani,” Arthur laughed and Louis loudly agreed.

“Shut up, you two, it makes sense,” Liam defended her.

“It does not! That’s not even,” Louis burped a little bit from his beer, “ _ scientific accurate. _ ”

“Oh yeah, Louis, and that’s exactly why you’re graduating in Journalism, for the  _ scientific accurateness _ ,” Liam deadpanned, incredulity written all over his face.

“Oh shut it, Lima. We’re talking about fucking, not about curricular mistakes,” Louis replied, throwing another bit of napkin towards him.

“Soulmates isn’t about fucking, Louis, it’s about love,” Dani exclaimed, her hand falling down with a slap on the top of the table to drive her point home.

“That was the most disgusting thing you have ever said in your life, Dani,” Arthur replied and brought Louis closer to him, who couldn’t help but hum an agreement.

“You can’t know that, my exes have always said I do have a pretty dirty mouth,” she smiled innocently as Liam choked on his beer.

“Ooooh,” Louis joked and laughed when Arthur joined him.

“But seriously, guys, it’s about human connection, you know? And destiny, having that one person that was made for you. It’s romantic, I agree with Liam here.” She touched his arm slowly, clearly just as interested as he was.

Too bad they also touched a dirty point for Louis.

“Yeah, but that’s where the load of bullshit comes in. No one is made for anyone but themselves and everyone changes a lot, all the time. It’s kinda stupid to think and to believe there’s someone out there who completes you when even you don’t know who you’re going to be in 10 years time.” Louis gulped from his beer, hoping he wasn’t too emphatic on his point. “Not to mention it’s unfair to expect someone to just accept everything you throw at them and always fit in on how you are just because something innate as destiny says so. Especially because normally the person everyone expects to mold themselves to the other ‘soulmate’ is the omega and that’s even more ridiculous.”

“Huh, seems like you put much thought on it, Louis,” Arthur said, his hand stalled on top of his knee.

Louis shrugged. “I’ve seen TV, have I not? Kinda hate those hallmark cliches.”

“Yeah, but mostly people just hate it, they don’t have an essay on why soulmates and soulbonds aren’t real.” Liam replied, his brow furrowed.

“I just have opinions, ok? Leave me be.”

Half an hour later, they were still talking about it. Louis was on his third round so he was looser already, more comfortably pressed against Arthur as they talked about how Iron Man and Captain America were the only believable representation of soulmates in contemporary media.

“Oh my God, you guys are impossible,” Dani huffed when Liam explained to her yet again how Pepper was amazing but she and Tony just weren’t meant to be. “Thankfully I see Gemma coming to save me from you all.”

Louis laughed and pressed on, “don’t get your hopes up, Gemma agrees with us. They’re the Dads of the team, Dani, come on!”

His glee in seeing Dani’s distress had been carefree, and even though he tried to listen to his subconscious’ warning bells, he just turned to Gemma with a big smile and invited her to sit beside him.

“What are you talking about that got him so giggly like this?” She asked and took his beer from his hand to take a sip from.

“Soulmates!” Liam replied to her, always eager.

Gemma turned to Louis with a raised eyebrow and that alone was enough to sober him up from his giddiness.

“What?” Arthur asked.

“Nothing,” Louis answered, quickly.

“Oh, come on, Louis, it’s such a funny story. Let me tell them.” Gemma begged, smile firm in place. She gave Louis his cup back and he downed it at once.

“Fine. Go at it.” 

Her grin turned positively predatorial, “so, we met back when we were, what, twelve? Anyway,” she sat down. “My little brother Harry, I’ve spoken about him to you all. He arrives with this little bouquet of flowers he took from Mum’s garden and gives it to Louis. And then another one the next time he comes over, and again, and again. The first time I just thought it was him being nice, ok? ‘Cause he is a nice boy like that, but then!” She stopped herself to laugh a bit, “the next time I ask him why and he tells me it’s because he wants to  _ woo  _ Louis. Because he’s  _ his soulmate _ .”

The tables bursted out in laughter and Louis wished he could join them. Instead, he just crossed his arms and scowled.

“That’s so precious!” Dani laughed.

“Adorable, right?” Gemma wiggled her eyebrows, “too bad mister Grumpy here didn’t think so. Told him proper off, I think my baby brother will never find love after the scolding he had.”

“Hey, it wasn’t that bad,” Louis replied, a bit unsure.

“Sure, keep telling your conscience that.”

“How old is he now?” Arthur asked, a hand around Louis’ waist.

“He’s 14, you cavemen. There’s no need to get territorial over it,” Louis tsked, wiggling away from his touch.

“Sorry, it’s just that normally alphas don’t say that to anyone, you know? It’s a bit more serious to us, I guess. Right, Liam?” His boyfriend turned to get Liam’s confirmation, and for a second Louis wondered why he had even accepted to go on a date with a wanker like him, let alone date for two months.

“He’s a kid and hasn’t even presented yet. He doesn’t know what he’s saying, Arthur,” Louis cut it short.

“Mum seems to believe him,” Gemma shrugged.

“That’s cause your Mum spoils you both rotten, Gems,” Louis rolled his eyes, just wishing to change the subject already.

Thankfully it worked, and some ten minutes later when Arthur put his hand on Louis’ back he let himself let go of the tension still around his shoulders.

Later, when both of them had come down from their orgasm, Louis finally let himself truly relax in his boyfriend’s arms.

-

#  **20 yo - 16 yo **

“I can’t fucking believe this,” Louis muttered, pissed off out of his mind as he opened every window from their living room and dusted out the sofa.

“What are you doing, Lou?” Gemma asked from the corridor.

“Cleaning.”

“Yeah, I can see that, but why? We cleaned a bit before they came over. Did the kids really make that much of a mess?” She asked, her voice still a bit sleepy from waking up so early to give her family goodbye before they went back home.

Louis paused a second. “Yes. We ate so much shit I’m afraid of attracting a populace of mice to come and eat the pieces of cheese balls that fell all over our couch.”

“Hm,” she humoured him, “do your worst, then. Count me out of it, I’ll be locked in my room and very much out of your way then.”

He didn’t answer her back.

Good.

This way he didn’t have to lie again to her face instead of telling her he was desperate to get the smell of her brother out of his house because it was driving him insane.

The moment Harry walked inside their house he could smell it. It felt so homely, so familiar, he couldn’t help but smile from where he was still hidden away in his bedroom to give Gemma a bit of privacy. It was a bit like his sister’s, but not at all. A bit attractive as well, surely Harry must have a bird or two to hang by his words back at his school.

But that hadn’t been the case, had it?

Louis had believed it was finally normal, just a lad, his best friend’s baby brother hanging around and all of them enjoying each other’s company as if Harry’s childhood obsession were nothing but a thing from the past now that he had grown up and hit puberty.

But no. Oh no. Betrayal had come at the worst of forms.

Louis had been so happy, barely remembering what it was that got him wary of Harry back in the day. They hadn’t seen each other for two years when they’d grown up together at the same houses, sharing the same street. Of course he’d missed him, he had been a constant back then, even if a bit annoying.

He gripped the bottle of the most obnoxious smelling cleaning product he had and poured a lot of it to pass over the floor with a mop. Now he had a house smelling like a newly-presented alpha who thought he knew better than Louis and that he could come and demand something from Louis, as if he owed him anything for what? For being a product of his obsession? For being an omega?

He moped the floor a bit aggressively, every swish another hope it would take the smell away faster. His nose stung from the strong floral smell and how it mixed with the lingering scent of Harry.

Soon enough the living room floor was completely wet and Louis was closed off at their kitchen, mop in his hand. He let it fall against the wall and stay upright by the corner and busied himself with pouring another cleaning product over the table they had sat talking, him and Harry, all of the nights he had stayed over.

Including the last one, where they fought, where Louis made clear nothing was to come from them and from Harry’s delusions. Where Harry spoke to Louis as if he were his omega and he owed him any kind of shit because of it.

He scrubbed the table harder, pleased to only smell a lemon aroma from it. Fuck, was he mad. You didn’t do that kind of shit with anyone, much less someone you’d known for years and yet Harry had the audacity to come over and treat Louis like that.

Like he owed him.

Like Harry owned him.

_ Scrub scrub scrub scrub. _ Fuckity Fucking Fuck, he was three seconds away from calling Harry and telling him off yet again, saying everything he had held back and a bit more. How could he?  _ How could he _ ? Fuck, Louis knew better than anyone that a presentation didn’t mean jackshit and it didn’t change a person’s very being, but by God, had Harry behaved like an arsehole. A conceited one. So annoying, so infuriating, so pretentious.

_ Scrub scrub scrub. _ He let go of the sponge he was using to pass the cleaning product over the table. And to make things worse, that whole taller thing? Did he take it for an opening, some kind of flirting when Louis was clearly joking with him like the best friend’s _ little brother  _ that he was?

Fuck. He was still just a kid but so fucking inconsequential to try and drag Louis into whatever mess he had in his head. What if he had done what Harry asked for, just to shut him up and prove him wrong? Would he accept it or would he keep denying the reality? And what if Gemma had walked in? What would she say if she saw that? Surely she wouldn’t still think it was funny to see her baby brother’s idiotic ideas into action. So not only was he on the verge of losing his patience, he also could have very well strained one of the best relationships he maintained in his life - his best friend.

He punched the table, praying Gemma would take it for nothing but part of his cleaning. God, he could yell at Harry for a whole day if he had him in front of him right now. What kind of _ wanker _ -

And to make things worse, what kind of alpha was he even growing up to be if he couldn’t take a no from an omega? He knew from experience Harry couldn’t have learned that from his family, so where could that even come from? 

Louis searched his pockets to try and find his phone to send a very much lengthy, well-worded message to Harry, asking him why the fuck and where the fuck and who the fuck and what the fuck did he think he was doing. 

Then he remembered how Harry cried and begged for his forgiveness, and breathed out again. He didn’t have his phone right now, luckily, so he just let the idea of sending a message go. Harry had come to terms in the end, hadn’t he? Louis had already told him off. He didn’t need to, not again. Harry was a smart boy, he would understand and move on soon enough. Or so he hoped. This time it could work, hopefully.

He just wanted for once to be left the fuck alone from this bullshit Harry put in his head and that he couldn’t let Louis have his peace from it.

It didn’t stop Louis from mopping the floor yet again with even more product to wipe the house clean of any lingering scents but floral cleaning. And to air the sofa, and clean the mug Harry had used three times in a row until he could smell nothing but soap and lemon and floral and chemicals.

He had a headache by the end of the day, but he was glad enough to take another deep breath and smell not a single trace of any kind of alpha imprinting that could have been left behind. He could barely smell himself or Gemma, but that didn’t bother him. If it bothered Gemma, she didn’t say when she came out just to get a cup of tea and hide herself back in her room.

Things were fine. Things were awesome now.

The lack of scent or maybe the physical exhaustion had helped to clear his head and between all the scrubbing, he had calmed down enough to think. He had made his point and was probably too rude about it, but he drove it home. Harry surely understood now. If he spoke about it with his mother or his sister, he was in his right and if they came to talk to Louis he would explain things to them. He just hoped they would understand as well. He meant Harry no harm, but that couldn’t continue because Harry was the one harming himself (and Louis, in the process).

God, to think he had been  _ waiting for Louis. _

He took a deep breath and made his way to his room. Thankfully, he hadn’t let any of the guests go inside it, so he just smelled himself and the lingering scent of his ex. 

His bed had never looked as inviting as it did now, so he threw himself on it and buried his head on his pillow with a contented sigh. Something hard poked him in his stomach, so he reached underneath himself and found his phone. He turned around and shuffled until he was comfortable on his back, phone in hand, and opened his chat message. He ignored everyone’s message and looked for the one number he needed right now.

Funny, he had never sent a message to Harry before.

_ ‘Listen curly i didn’t want to be so rude about it, but i’m just trying to live my life and you should do the same . It was supposed to be a joke right ? You shouldn’t have let it get to your head so much like that. Let it go. Go live your life cuz i’m living mine and i like you very much cuz you’re this little kid i grew up with and you’re important cuz you’re gem’s brother as well but this isn’t like that and will never be ok ? And i don’t want to be the one to tell you what to believe in but even if soulmates did exist i wouldn’t be yours ok ? Thats stupid it’s not even the age difference it’s cuz we clearly want different things and your a child with dumb notions in your brain and’ _

He stopped typing with a grimace. That wasn’t right. He deleted the last phrases and continued:

_ ‘I don’t want to be the bad guy here but what you believe in is simply insane and i don’t want it so you should stop trying whatever you’re trying .’ _

He tsked and deleted it all of it.

_ ‘Listen do you have any idea how annoying it was to just want to go to your friend’s house but be cautious of it bc her annoying little brother would try to ambush you and then you pushed through anyway bc it wasn’t every time but still when it would happen you would feel guilty cuz here is this child pissing you off and you just wanna tell him to fukc off but you can’t bc you don’t wanna hurt his feelings or piss off his sister or mum but at the same time it was ANNOYING AS FUCK AND I’M NOT AN EASY TO ANGER GUY BUT’ _

He huffed and deleted it all again.

_ ‘Look this was all for the best ok live your life now and go chase someone else and leave me alone we don’t even live in the same city anymore wtf’ _

He deleted it all again. Took a deep breath. Calmed himself down and started again.

_ ‘Listen, Harry . You’re a great guy , or i think you are going to be one . We haven’t really been in touch lately and i guess it’s my fault since i haven’t gone back home in some time now . Last night i may have been rude but i just wanted to get my point straight . It was for your own good , this isn’t healthy , this obsession of yours . We’re good pals , ok ? Nothing more . I can be your friend if you want , but what you’re proposing i don’t want it and neither should you . Not only am i older than you but it seems like we have very different points of view on things and this isn’t going to work , no matter how much you want it to or how much you try to force it . It might have been funny and cute for your mum and sister when you were a child to keep chasing me , but now you’re an alpha and older and this can’t continue , ok ? It’s not right . And to answer your question , no , i don’t feel nothing of the sort you say you do . You smell like your sister , like someone i’m familiar with , and nothing more . You should’ _

His phone vibrated in his hand and the screen turned completely back. He tried to turn it back on but it was no use, the phone was dead. He gave an anguished groan and threw it to his side, using his free hands to cover his face.

Ok. Ok. Cool, cool. Guess that was a sign for him to also let it go and just hope time made its mending.

-

#  **22 yo - 18 yo**

“Hurry up, Liam,” Louis pulled him by the arm to try and get him to move, “you know how much I hate this cafe, it’s always full of hipsters and freshers.”

Liam laughed at him, “but they also have the best croissant in this part of town!”

“We shouldn’t even _ be _ in this part of town, honestly,” he rolled his eyes at him but accepted the takeaway tea Liam had just bought him.

“I know, but Sophia needed me to bring her stuff over, so I did and I dragged you with me,” he grinned.

“Because I’m the best bloody friend you could ever have,” Louis bragged, his smirk just as conceited.

“That you are,” Liam laughed. The barista called his name and he went to get his order, leaving Louis alone with his tea in his hands.

He perused around just to have something to do, aimlessly staring at all the people sitting by and chatting loudly. The cafe wasn’t that big, so any number of people already gave it the feeling of being full, but that afternoon it was so crowded Louis found it hard to walk around or just stand by. He looked at Liam and saw him chatting with the barista, his order probably wrong by the looks of it. Louis sighed and moved outside to wait away from the crowded mess inside.

The moment he stepped outside, he wished he hadn’t. On the left side of the entrance he could see Harry, no doubt it was him, laughing loudly at whatever a blond was talking about, his gestures wild and all over the place and  _ was that Niall _ ? Louis snorted and closed the door behind him.

He didn’t even have time to think if he should say hi or hide and hope they hadn’t seen him when Harry looked directly at him, mouth open in glee and eyes full of mirth. They widened slowly in recognition and Louis raised his hand in a small wave, his other one holding the teacup against his chest in a informal barrier between them.

“No, but that wasn’t even the best part! Listen to the best part, Harry!” Niall spoke loudly to bring Harry’s attention back to him. It worked and Harry turned back to talk to him, his voice low enough the sound of the street muted it out.

Louis hummed and turned away to wait on the right side of the entrance, away from the door. He stared at the cars passing by, the tea hot against his tongue and his thoughts a disarray of anxiety.

“Louis?”

He stared up, startled to see Liam and not Harry in front of him. “What?”

“They gave me the wrong order, I told them I wanted decaf so the girl had to do it all over again. Sorry for the delay,” Liam smiled sheepishly and held his cup and takeaway bag up to show Louis they were ready to go. “Let’s go?”

Louis looked up at him and his vision strayed a bit to the side, enough to see Harry and Niall still on their spot, now greeting another person who clung to Harry’s side and earned a small kiss on their forehead. Louis smiled to himself, glad to be in a place where things were finally normal for once.

“Yeah, let’s go.” 

Guess Harry had grown up, finally. Maybe they were going to be alright now.

-

#  **24 yo - 20 yo**

It wasn’t because he wanted Harry to stop chasing him that he wanted Harry to stop talking to him altogether.

In the end, they still had grown up together. They were still friends. Childhood acquaintances. Family.

Coming back home for such a long period of time after he barely had left London was already an emotional toll - he had to deal with how he had neglected a part of his sisters growing up, and how his family’s daily routine ran now, and how all of them had changed. He felt bitter and he blamed himself for missing such a vital part of the people he loved, all in the name of doing things for himself. Although he guessed that was just part of becoming an adult.

But now, seeing Harry so at ease at his own home when Louis didn’t? And seeing how he fit in with everyone but Louis? That took another blow at his conscience. He felt it was his own fault.

(It kind of was.)

To make matters worse, all of the attempts of trying to talk to Harry had fallen flat or been misunderstood. His banter had been received as digs and Harry had lashed out instead of bantering right back at him. And every subsequent attempt to try and reconnect had just fallen flat.

Whenever everyone was already asleep and it was just him and Lottie alone watching TV, she started to stare at him as if she wanted to say something and he knew, he knew it was about Harry but he wasn’t ready yet to tackle that problem by the head.

His resolution stood for just two more nights.

“What is it, Lottie?”

“It’s a Fifteen to One rerun, I’m sure you’re familiar with it,” she sniggered and turned the volume down a notch.

Louis sighed, “I meant what is it that you want to tell me.”

“Oh,” she tapped her nails nonchalantly on the remote control. “I dunno. I just wanted to ask you why is it that you don’t talk to Harry anymore.”

“We do talk.”

“Besides pleasantries? Not so much.” She looked at him from the corner of her eye. “What happened?”

“Nothing did,” he crossed his arms and looked down at his socked feet on the floor. The sofa suddenly didn’t feel as comfortable as before. 

She hummed.

“I mean it, we just drifted apart, I guess,” Louis shrugged. Scratched his nose. Shrugged again. Watched the contestant get an answer wrong. “These things happen, ok, we just didn’t have anything to talk about so we didn’t talk about anything.”

“You used to talk about what’s the best way to mix your cereal bowl to each other, I’m sure something must have happened along the way from then to here.”

Louis grimaced, “I moved, didn’t I?”

“So did Gemma and we still  _ talk _ ,” Lottie huffed.

_ Yeah, but you didn’t think Gemma was your soulmate and bothered her about it, _ Louis thought bitterly.

“Is it because of what Harry feels?” She continued.

Louis scooted down until he was almost laid down on his corner of the sofa. His leg started to shake, his foot beating up and down, up and down against the floor.

“God, Louis, I thought you had let go of that already,” she exclaimed.

“ _ I _ had let it go?” Louis gasped indignantly, “ _ I’m _ not the one who had to let it go.”

Lottie made a face at him, “oh yeah,  _ clearly _ .”

“Lottie, I mean, it,” he waved in her direction, “you remember how he was, if I did anything was for the best of both of us.”

“But does he still do stuff like before?”

“Well, no, but-”

“So there it is,” she smiled triumphantly.

“And suddenly it just excuses all of the baggage we have from the past?” He asked incredulously.

“Of course it does, we’re family.” She reached out and held him by the wrist, “plus, these things tend to fade away, right? So if he doesn’t act on it maybe it burned out. Now the matter is that you don’t let your  _ friendship _ burn out, that’s annoying when both of our families are so close to each other.”

Louis stood silent for a moment, thinking, hand secured on his sister’s grip. 

“You think so?” He asked after the episode ended and another one began immediately after.

“I know so.” She tightened her grip on his hand. “Now go and talk to him.”

It was easier said than done but Louis gathered his courage and did it.

(Three days later, but did it.)

“Hey, Harold,” he smiled slowly when Harry turned to look at him, spoon on his mouth and an incriminating bowl of pudding on his hand. “Isn’t that the bowl Fizzy saved for Gemma?”

Harry’s eyes bulged then narrowed. Before he could say anything, Louis amended. “I won’t tell if you don’t.”

He looked at Louis for a second more before turning away from him, but Louis could see the smile that appeared on his face. He counted it as a win.

The second time, it was more stalkerish than he cared to count, but he heard Harry complaining to Lottie he would have to buy new gloves because he lost his previous ones. Not only did Louis feel bad for hearing their talk, but he felt a pang of guilty for knowing exactly where they were since anything Harry-related on his family’s house stuck out to him like a sore thumb.

He downed the rest of his cup of water and put it down on the sink before he walked to the living room to deal with them.

“Hey, Lou, didn’t know you were back from Zayn’s house already,” Fizzy called out from the sofa. Harry sat on the chair beside it and just gave a small wave to him.

“Yeah, just came back. Sorry, but I couldn’t stop hearing,” he turned his gaze to him, “Harry, you said you lost your…”

“Gloves, yeah.”

“No, you didn’t, I know where they are.”

“Really?” Harry smiled surprised, his dimples out full and his eyes shining eagerly.

“Yeah, right here,” he turned to go and grab them but Harry followed him with soft steps.

They reached the entrance hall and just as Louis predicted, Harry’s glove were thrown inside the little closet where they kept their coats and heavier shoes. Louis crouched down and reached for them on top of the lower shelf, where it had fallen between two boxes. “I found them when I came looking for those really old vans of mine, hoping they were still here, but no such luck, seems like mum really threw them away,” he turned and gave them to Harry. 

“How did you know these were mine?” He asked, half in awe.

Louis frowned, “nobody here drives a bike but you.” He got up slowly, his knee cracking a bit and closed the closet door.

“That makes sense, yeah.”

Louis saw it for an opportunity and took it, “guess we really did grow up, eh? Me from footie to cracking knees, you from that God awful pink bicycle to a shiny new bike.”

Harry cracked a loud laugh, his hand covering his belly and head thrown back. Louis smiled, satisfied. He had missed that dumb laugh.

“Your words, not mine.” Harry finished, grin still in place. He passed a hand by the corner of his eye, drying a tear.

“Hey, wait till you’re 24, your knees will be cracking as well,” he crossed his arms, suddenly self conscious.

Harry’s grin fell into a sad little smile, “Guess I’ll know when I get there.”

Louis frowned, upset he managed to turn the mood sour once again. “Yeah, but when you’re 24 I’ll be 28 so you’ll be complaining about cracking knees and I’ll be complaining about a sore back AND cracking knees, so who’ll be worse then, eh?”

Harry looked at his hands, then back at Louis. “Guess that’s your curse for always being older.”

Louis huffed, “you guess an awful lot.”

His smile turned cheeky once more, “guess that’s my curse for always being younger, then.”

Louis couldn’t help laughing. “You’re still an idiot, that’s good to know.”

Their laughter died down and a comfortable silence settled between them. It was still a bit awkward, one staring at the other in the entrance hall, just the sound of the telly Fizzy and Lottie must’ve been still watching drifting between them. 

Louis couldn’t stand to keep on staring at Harry’s curious eyes, so he looked down to where his naked feet stood, a bit small in contrast to Harry’s booted ones. God, he was wearing chelsea boots, how had the times really changed.

“I’m glad to see you back, Lou.”

Louis glanced back up to see Harry still looking at him, face open.

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Louis smiled small. “I’m glad to be back as well.”

Harry hesitated a bit then extended his hand and gripped Louis’ arm in a comforting grip. He squeezed once then let it go quickly. “Tell the girls I said bye.”

“Okay.”

“I’ll be back next week.”

“Okay.”

“Me and Niall are going to Ireland to visit his nephew.”

“Cool. Send him my regards. Is he still blond?”

Harry grinned, “the blondest.”

“Yikes.”

He huffed a laugh, “yeah. Will you still be here?”

“Yes, I will.”

Harry bit his lip, “would you be up for a pub outing then?”

Louis hesitated, suddenly afraid again.

“I mean,” Harry backtracked, “Niall misses you as well, you know? And since he broke up with his girlfriend it’s become my best friend obligation to get him happy again and nothing works better than friends and beer.”

“Okay,” Louis replied slowly, “yeah, why not? Maybe seeing the both of you drunk will help me accept for once you’re not twelve anymore.”

“Oh, but that’s where you’re wrong, Lou,” Harry laughed and moved to open the door, “we’ll always be twelve!” He smiled one last time. “See you, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Louis grinned and waved him off. He watched Harry look at him once more before he turned and closed the door behind him. Soon enough his bike turned to life and Louis heard it roar lower and lower until Harry must have gone all the way down their street. 

He tapped his hands against his thighs. This seemed hopeful.

(He also scrunched his nose a bit, aware of how well Harry’s strong scent mixed with the leather.)

When he went back to the living room, his sisters were already looking at him.

“That seemed to go well,” Lottie singsonged.

Louis smiled, “aren’t you a nosy gal?”

“It’s been ages since I’ve seen you interact like that, I couldn’t help myself.” She turned back to the telly, no guilty on her face. Fizzy stared at him a bit more then turned as well.

He considered joining them, but gave up and went to his bedroom instead. He had to answer Liam’s questions about their new shared flat. 

-

#  **26 yo - 22 yo**

Their friendship hiccuped again after that summer. Louis promised to keep in touch, but both of them growing up hadn’t suddenly given him the ability to message Harry.

Luckily, Gemma was a common link between them still.

The party had been a bit weird, for sure. Louis went with Liam and was delighted to introduce him to Harry and Niall, but he still didn’t know if the time apart would take its toll in their newfound friendship. It appeared it had not. Harry had introduced his boyfriend to all of them (and hadn’t that been a weird but marvelous experience to Louis? He had never been so happy to meet a ‘plus one’ before in his life) and they had chatted a bit between them all and it hadn’t been awkward. Not even when Harry approached him alone a little after to talk to him about the prank gift he had bought Gemma for her new flat, and how the real gift he would only give to her the week after that. Louis had laughed and told him he’d done the same, given her the horrendous lampshade they kept when they first moved in to London just because it had been super cheap and a photograph of Louis ‘to remind her of the best flatmate she had ever had’ and after she’d cursed him he’d given her the real gift he’d bought. They both smiled at each other then and kept on trading notes on every time they’d made Gemma mad or just funny stories they had with her until Harry’s boyfriend appeared beside him and stole him away with the lamest excuse Louis had ever heard in his life.

From that on, Louis learned messaging wasn’t particularly easy when you weren’t so close to someone, but instagram commentaries were perfect. Liam used to laugh at him and tell him he was like a grandma trying to stay in touch with the youth just because he would always write ‘i don’t get it’ under every hipster black and white photo Harry chose to post.

(There were many of them and his captions were never enlightening.)

Things only truly changed when Harry had made the first move and sent him the first private snap with a photo of Niall in glasses and the caption of ‘He got rid of the blond hair but keeps wearing fake glasses. I don’t know what to do’. Louis hadn’t hesitated and replied to him instantly:

‘you gotta kick him out’

To which Harry had responded:

‘But then who would drink me under the table?’

Louis had snickered.

‘me’

And completed:

‘how’s saturday? you still a devil? leave niall’s blue arse behind and come meet me and my friends at our usual hanging place, you ever heard of that pub by waterloo station? the wellington?’

Pub outings became a thing then, to a disgruntled Chelsea supporter Niall. It made talking with Harry even easier, them finally sending proper messages to each other and planning their outings or commenting about footie news and then just talking overall. Louis learned once and for all that Harry was a dear friend just as Gemma and he had missed that spot in his life dearly.

Although, he couldn’t stop himself from comparing, now it was so much easier and so much better because of it. He didn’t need to second guess himself all the time and even if sometimes he caught himself wondering if Harry had given a double entendre about something soulmate-related, he quickly shook himself out of the notion. It wasn’t fair of him to hold Harry hostage of something he used to do (feel? think?) when he was younger.

But if Louis were honest, even if rationally he knew they had moved on from that, it didn’t stop him from feeling awkward from time to time when the subject came.

Not that they ever spoke about those early days, but sometimes hints of it presented themselves in the most importunate ways, like when Harry’s creep of an ex-boyfriend made a ruckus about his friendship with Louis just because Louis was an omega. Or the day Louis had entered the pub and his inner-omega had preened at the strong scent he smelt, made him chase it just to find out it had been a sheepish Harry who explained he had managed to come in the end because his rut had ended up earlier than he thought it would. That had troubled Louis deeply, but in the end he just accepted it was because Harry really did smell good. So did many other alphas, especially after a rut and there wasn’t anything wrong or particularly weird about it.

All in all, it all helped for Louis to get comfortable with their renewed friendship and cherish it as much as he did his with Gemma or Liam. Harry quickly became someone vital for him and he was glad to have him back in his life.

So he smiled and clapped harder than anyone when they called Harry to go and grab his diploma. He wolfwistled and cheered again, proud of him even if he did stumble a bit when he went up the couple of stairs up to the little stage. 

Later, when they were outside taking pictures of him in his black gown and dumb cap where Harry had written the most ridiculous quote of it all, he couldn’t help himself but making fun of him, pride be damned.

“What the fuck does that quote even mean? Is it one of yours?”

Harry laughed and moved the cap back in place, “uh, no, it’s, uh, it’s Bukowski.”

“Well,” Louis stepped up and took the cap from him, “that’s dumb.”

“Hey,” Harry laughed and tried to catch it from Louis’ hand. “It’s not dumb, it’s poetic.”

Louis moved out of Harry’s way, “it’s suicidal, so as I said: it’s dumb.”

“It’s not. It’s hedonistic,” Harry huffed when Louis changed it from one hand to another yet again and he didn’t manage to catch it.

“As if that excused it,” he rolled his eyes and put the cap back on Harry’s head. “Today is a day for celebration, you shouldn’t choose something so bittersweet for it.”

Harry smiled slowly, “I like it, though.”

Louis huffed once again. “As I said: dumb.”

“Hey,” Harry fake pouted, “I just graduated, I have the diploma right here to prove you I’m not.” He held his hand up to show off his canute. 

“And I’m beaming with pride,” Louis smiled and poked him where his dimple usually was until Harry smiled enough for it to appear. “Doesn’t make the quote less dumb nor you for picking it for today of all days.”

Harry laughed and slapped Louis’ hand away, “you’re terrible.”

“Harry, hey, Harry!”

They both turned to see a girl approaching where they stood.

“Hey, Sara, how are you?”

“I’m graduated!” She laughed and threw her arms at him. After the quick hug, she turned to Louis. “Hello, sorry, I’m just so fucking happy. My name is Sara, are you his boyfriend?” She held her hand out for Louis to take.

“He’s my friend, Louis.” Harry corrected her.

“Nice to meet you,” Louis grinned and reached for her hand.

“Likewise.” She shook his hand, still smiling. Then let it go, turned to Harry and motioned to him to show off her cap to her. “Bukowski, really? You’re such a cliche, Harry.”

“Speaks the one with Shakespeare on hers,” he rolled his eyes, smile firm in place.

“Hey, you’re not the only one who gets to be buddies with good ole Bill, ok?” She smirked. “Speaking of, did you see William? He had the most terrible one on his.”

“No, what is it?” 

“No, no,” she shook her head and laughed out loud. “God, it’s so bad, you gotta see it for yourself.”

“Okay,” he laughed and turned to Louis, “I’ll meet you guys later, ok?”

“Yeah, go have fun, it’s your day,” Louis shooed him off with a grin. When they went away Louis turned back to where the Styles and Niall were, still sitting down by the shade of a tree a couple meters away.

He made his way to them and sat down besides Gemma. They were all tired and hungry, but no one had the courage to tell Harry when he was so happy, talking and laughing with his classmates, celebrating their achievement.

He rested his head on Gemma’s shoulder and sighed.

“Remember when it was us?” She asked softly.

“Seemed like a lifetime ago, honestly. Now it’s all about jobs and bills and waking up early.” He replied.

She laughed slightly, “he’s so happy. I’m so proud.”

“You should be, so am I.”

“You are?”

“Of course I am,” he rolled his eyes, “he went from annoying little kid with a bunch of bouquets to a grown up graduate with, well,” he sniggered, “with a penchant for annoying clothes and a terrible taste in quotes, but some battles you just can’t win, I guess.”

She laughed out loud and shook Louis’ head from her shoulder, who grunted displeased.

“The two of you are so ridiculous, my God.”

“Oi, if anyone’s ridiculous it’s your brother, did you see that quote?” He was a little bit offended, if he were honest.

“I saw that quote, I adore it.” She smiled.

“You’re no better than him, then,” he huffed. “Bunch of weirdos.”

“That’s why he studied Literature and you did not,” she argued.

“Good point, but I’d hoped he would choose something better like his friend did.”

“What was it?”

Louis cleared his throat, ready to proclaim it. “To thine one self be true.”

Gemma smirked, “yeah, I can see why you’d like that.”

“Why?” 

“It matches you,” she shrugged. “Fuck, where did he even go? I’m starving.”

“Let him be, Gemma, you had your turn, now it’s his,” Anne called from Gemma’s other side.

“I’m letting him, but I’m also starving, what can I do?”

“Eat some chips? I know a great place around here,” Niall spoke out.

Louis let their chatter drift away while he just soaked in the afternoon. The summer air was impregnated against his skin and he felt hot in his jeans and shirt, he couldn’t imagine how everyone else felt inside the black gown they were wearing, no wonder Harry had looked so flushed while they talked. 

A soft breeze passed by and helped him cool down a bit. He scuffed his shoe against the floor, half listening to the other three debate on restaurant options nearby. 

Sometimes it still felt so weird to be where he was. He remembers how weird he had felt when he saw Harry at his graduation. They weren’t in the best of speaking terms back then, but he couldn’t ignore him, not in front of his family or Gemma’s. So they exchanged nice pleasantries and that had been it, nothing compared to how he behaved or felt today seeing Harry. He was happy,  _ ecstatic _ for him, and so proud. Not to mention he was glad for where they were, the easiness they managed to achieve with each other. Just to see Harry correcting his friend and calling him his friend instead of his boyfriend? That had made his day.

Although, he frowned a bit. He did feel a bit awkward back then. How could he not, when he couldn’t help but be assaulted with the memory of exactly why he and Harry had fallen apart? It simply wouldn’t work if they kept focusing on all the baggage they had between them and not on how they worked nowadays -- and if Louis were being truthful, they worked wonderfully. Rarely did he have such an easy friendship, and even comparing it with Gemma’s, it wasn’t the same thing. He and Harry had already had their bad moments and survived it, grown better from it, so now it wasn’t just easy, it was fruitful. Him being there meant that not only had he and Harry mended their ways, but that they had  _ moved forwards _ .

It made Louis so fucking happy he could cry, really. This sureness that life moved forward and so did he.

(The only bad thing was that quote, really. ‘Find what you love and let it kill you’, Harry? What the fuck.)

-

#  **28 yo - 24 yo **

A month had gone by and still the first thought he had when he woke up was  _ ‘I fucked up. Bad _ ’. He wondered when it would stop.

He turned sideways on his bed, pulled his phone from its plug. His alarm was only going to ring in half an hour. He missed being able to sleep.

Getting up in the morning was always difficult when he wasn’t a morning person. At first he tried to commiserate, pretend his lack of sleep would help him get ready sooner and stop him from getting late at work. In reality, it would take him even longer to get up now, even if he was wide awake earlier than normal. Rolling around in bed was so much more fun when you were miserable.

Some time later he heard someone knock on his door.

“Louis?”

He grunted in reply. Liam opened his door.

“Hey, I’m gonna put the water to boil. You want some tea?” He asked, already dressed and with an earnest face.

“That has got to be the dumbest question you ever made, Liam.” Louis replied, grumpy. He gave himself five more minutes and then he would get up. The water would already be warm then and he would have tea and he needn’t shower so he would just need to put his clothes on and be done. He could do it.

“It was more of a way to know if you were already awake or not.”

“I am.” He huffed.

“Did you even sleep?”

“Of course I did, why would I not?” He rolled to the other side.

“Dunno, you’ve been cranky. You only get this cranky after a break up or when you haven’t been able to sleep much.”

Louis buffed loudly.

“Jeez, ok, ok, I get it.” He almost closed the door but opened it again quickly to continue, “I know you don’t want to talk about it with me but you gotta talk to someone. I’ve seen you tell Gemma it’s fine but she’s starting to suspect something is up.”

He froze up. “Did you tell her?”

“What is even there to tell her?” He could hear the frown on Liam’s voice. “Of course not. You didn’t tell me shit, Louis.”

“There’s nothing to tell.”

“Clearly.” Sarcasm.

Liam waited for another second before he closed the door and left Louis alone with his thoughts. When he heard the pot bang against the stove he let another groan out loud and passed two tired, irritated hands over his face. This was so fucked up. He didn’t even know how to talk about it, let alone to whom. Tell Gemma and face her wrath? Tell Lottie and face her wrath? Tell Liam and be pitied, or worse, judged? No. He was fine. He would deal with it.

In the end he felt so disgusted with himself he managed to get up quickly and go for a shower anyway.

Later, they drank their tea in silence and Louis avoided any attempt of eye contact Liam tried. He wasn’t in the mood. He hasn’t been in the mood. He didn’t know when he would be.

The worst part of it all was that he knew he was in the wrong here. He had miscalculated. He had gotten it all wrong. He had fucked up. Bad. Real bad. Royally. And he didn’t even know how or if he could make it up.

He scratched his chin. His stubble was so big it almost resembled a beard now. He hated it. He let it be.

Work was as it always was. Stressful. Boring. Mindless. A means to an end. Commute was annoying as always. So was getting back home and having to think about things: bills, dinner, groceries. He took his shoes off, undressed and put on his pajamas. He had no intention of going out tonight, no matter if it was Friday and he had already been called to three different outings. He wasn’t in the mood. He hadn’t been in the mood. He didn’t know when he would be again.

Rationally, he knew it would be best if he went out, tried to get out of his guilty funk, but he couldn’t force himself. Not this time. Liam lied when he said he only behaved like this after a break up: he never behaved quite like this. Every break up he had had was about losing a boyfriend, someone who appeared in his life for him to have a relationship with and then who went away after it was done. 

What happened was quite the opposite. Harry was a friend. He was supposed to stay in his life, that’s what friends did. Then Louis fucked up, didn’t consider Harry’s side of things, miscalculated where they stood and threw away one of the most important relationships he had.

The intimacy he had with Harry couldn’t even compare to anything Louis had experienced with his exes - and it wasn’t even because of the sex. He had seen Harry grow up, Harry had seen him grow up. They knew each other inside out. When Louis started to talk about something from his younger days, more often than not Harry would interrupt him and say “I know what it was like, I was there”. It always surprised Louis when he did it, but it also put a smile on his face. It reassured him, reminded him Harry had been there and that they’d known each other for this long. They survived each other this long and got on the other side of it better.

Until now.

Louis went to the kitchen and searched the drawers for a takeaway number. Found a McDonald’s menu, closed the drawer again. Looked for something else, anything else that didn’t scream in his face how much he had fucked up.

(He still hadn’t sit down on his sofa.)

(Sleeping on his bed had been torture at first. He’d washed his bedclothes, considered asking Liam to change beds for a while, washed the bedclothes again.)

(He kind of missed watching football as well.)

In the end he put on a coat on top of his pajamas and went out to buy some fried chicken. Lame is as lame does.

Liam hadn’t come home yet, so it probably meant he went out for a happy hour with his work colleagues. Good for him. He deserved some breather from Louis.

He felt miserable eating and drinking his beer alone in their kitchen, but what else could he do? He wasn’t in the mood even to listen to some music.

Hadn’t been for a while.

Didn’t know when he would be again.

He took another bite. God, he felt ridiculous.

One month of this shit. Maybe he was ridiculous, after all.

When he finished it all and put his mess away he considered his options. The previous Fridays he had gone straight to his bed, rolled around with his phone until he had fallen into a restless sleep. Sometimes he tried a movie. A tv show. An app game. Anything mindless enough it didn’t require much from him. 

While he thought it over, his phone vibrated with another message. He picked it up mindlessly and took a look.

_ Gems: it’s the third time you skip on me are u alright???? i asked harry n he said he didnt know anythign about it but hes been weird so i dont believe him WHATS UP LOUIS _

Louis dropped the phone without opening the message. He didn’t know what to answer.

It vibrated again.

He looked.

_ Gems: wait did u 2 fight???? answer me goddamn it _

He left for his room, picked his pack from his nightstand and opened his window. He forgot to add to his little mental list how much he also had stood by his window and smoked lately. He must have lost about 10 years of his lifetime already.

By the third cigarette, he didn’t feel any calmer. By the fifth, nicotine kicked in and it finally helped. 

He sizzled out the last one and closed the window. He walked to the kitchen and checked his phone once more. Gemma hadn’t followed up with any more messages, but Louis knew she was waiting for it anxiously. He turned his screen off and went out of the kitchen.

Now what?

He looked at the living room, looked away, looked back.

Now he dealt with it. It was time already. Forward, always.

He walked around the sofa, took his time looking for the remote. When he finally found it, he clicked the telly on, searched for the channels until he found a movie worth watching, made his decision and sat down slowly. Nothing untoward came to attack him or call him out for his mistakes. He relaxed and leaned back down, socked feet tapping against the coffee table. It was fine. Things were normally easier than his mind made them out to be. He could do it.

Next thing he knew, he was walking up in the middle of the night from the best sleep he had had in a long while - not since Harry. He saw the telly was still on and turned it off before he got up. He quickly brushed his teeth and went to bed to try and enjoy his sleepness haze while it rested - but no such luck. As soon as he laid down on his bed, he knew he wasn’t going to sleep again any time soon. He tried to force it anyway, but nothing helped. With a huff, he grabbed his blanket and went back to the living room, turned the telly back on and laid down on the couch again. Not 10 minutes later, he was fast asleep.

When morning came, Louis awoke confused to where he was and what had happened. His face was smudged against the corner of the arm of the sofa and its back and he could barely understand how the fuck he had thought that was a comfortable position to sleep in when his mind supplied the vague memory of seeing Harry draped over it every time he sat down on the sofa.

Liam entered the living room not two minutes later, scared by the sounds of Louis thumping his fist repeatedly against the seat of the sofa.

“Louis? Louis? Louis!”

“What?” He turned to look at Liam, fists still pushing against the seat. His blanket was pooled over his legs from how he kneeled but he barely registered it.

“You need to tell me what the fuck is going on, ok? This isn’t fucking normal and I won’t stay quiet about seeing you behave like this anymore,” he exclaimed, hands gesticulating wildly. 

He was probably still drunk.

“We fucked, ok? Is that what you wanted to know? Fine,” Louis took a deep breath then yelled, “we fucked!”

Liam stared at him, jaw clenched shut in anger. He hated yelling, Louis knew. They waited for a moment and then Liam spoke again.

“Who did?”

Louis deflated. He sat back down, legs and blanket to the floor. Put his head on his hands. “Me and Harry. We fucked a month ago.”

Liam made a little surprised noise. “Wasn’t Harry the one who-”

“Yeah,” Louis cut in quickly. He didn’t want to hear about it.

Liam made his way and sat down beside Louis. He hesitated a bit but then rested a comforting hand on Louis’ back. “But what happened before and after that?”

Louis huffed a humourless laugh. Liam smelled of beer still. “I fucked up, is what happened.”

“That doesn’t mean shit all, Louis,” he sighed. “I can’t argue against that if I don’t know what happened.”

Louis stayed silent.

“Tell me what happened,” Liam tried again.

“I fucked up.”

“Okay. But how?”

“I miscalculated.”

“What did you miscalculate?”

“His feelings,” Louis sighed. Continued, “and mine.”

“Louis, you’re not saying shit here, you realize that, right?” Liam shook him softly. “You gotta tell me something, anything, so I can help you.”

He opened his mouth, closed it. Opened again. “He still loves me.”

“Yeah, I gathered that.”

“I didn’t know it.” He took his hands away from his face and looked at Liam, “I thought he had moved on.”

“Shit.” Liam sighed and covered his eyes in distress. “Fuck.”

Louis felt himself go slightly insane.

“Okay, listen, I’m still drunk and it’s not fair to either of us to have a conversation like this, not about this.” He took his hand away and pulled Louis close against his chest. “It’ll be fine ok? Go back to sleep. Do you want to come sleep with me on my bed?” 

He thought about it for a second but shook his head no. 

“Okay, that’s fine. It’s fine. It’ll be fine. Just hold on, yeah? Go back to sleep now. When we both wake up we can talk about it and I can help you deal with it. Decide on what to do next. Help take this weight off of your shoulders, yes?” All the while he spoke he kept hugging Louis tight, his hand comforting his back in a rhythm caress up and down and up and then a tight squeeze. It almost worked.

Louis nodded.

“Good. Okay. Good.” Liam murmured. Then, “shit.”

“Go to sleep, Liam.” He disentangled himself from his hold with a bit difficulty because Liam didn’t want to let him go still and squeezed his hands once to convey his message. “I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to come sleep in my bed with me?” He tried again, worried.

“No. Go, I’ll be fine.”

He saw Liam go down the corridor and counted it as a win that he only stopped to look at Louis once.

Fuck, he hated to play the part of the ‘over-emotional omega’.

He waited a bit to make sure Liam had fallen back asleep before he got up and went to change. Like fuck would he waste away another day. 

It was time he fucking dealt with this shit once and for all and fuck his doubt about Harry wanting to see or talk to him at all. There was only one way of knowing it for sure. His past self forgive him for the hypocrisy, but it was time he was the annoying prick stubbornly chasing the other one on this relationship.

He dressed in his most comfortable clothes and left as fast as he could. It was only when he exited his building that he realized he had remembered to bring his pack and wallet but not his phone. That was okay, he was better at talking to Harry face to face anyway.

He signaled for a taxi and took it. It was a 20 minute ride to Harry’s, he knew it, but he felt he wouldn’t be able to hold himself together if he had to take public transportation. So he sent a silent prayer he had enough cash with himself and focused on what the matter at hands was: how would he approach things with Harry?

He didn’t even know if Harry was home, but that wasn’t a problem per se. The way Louis felt right now, he would chase him to the ends of the Earth and back until they had spoken. He wouldn’t accept Harry setting the tone for how they should behave towards each other, not anymore. It was time they talked. Properly, for once.

The ride felt endless and at the same time passed in the blink of an eye, and then there was Louis, staring at the ugly building Harry had chosen to be his home. He stared at the blue door for some time, then turned to the driver to ask how much had it been. After he paid for it, he hesitated once more.

“Excuse me, but what time is it?”

The driver took a look at his watch, “a little past 10, sir.”

“Fine. Thanks.” 

Louis opened the door, exited at the pavement, closed the door behind him. He watched the car go, watched the morning routine a little bit. He suddenly felt not as brave as he had felt before, but he took a deep breath and powered through.

The intercom was barely holding it together, most of the numbers faded and the buttons seemed sunk. He just needed for it to work once more and for Harry to be home, it wasn’t much to ask. He pushed the button for their flat and waited as it rang.

“Who’s it?” Niall’s voice asked.

“Uh, Niall, it’s me, Louis.” He spoke slowly, his face close to the intercom.

Silence for a second.

“What the fuck do you want, Louis?” 

Ah, by the anger in Niall’s voice, Louis was sure Harry had told him what happened.

“I want to talk.”

“With me?” He asked, confused. He probably had just woken up.

“No.”

Another beat of silence.

“Harry isn’t here.”

Louis sighed. “It’s ok. Tell me where he is, I’ll go after him.”

“How the tables have turned.” His voice dripped in sarcasm.

“Niall,” Louis pleaded.

The door buzzed open.

“Don’t fuck this up.” Niall called out once more.

Louis opened the door and went inside. The corridor was so cold it made him shiver. It didn’t bode well.

He climbed the stairs slowly, ashamed he would probably be panting when he arrived at Harry’s door if he climbed it any faster. So he did it slowly, every step another boost of confidence he injected in himself and another layers of his wall that he laid down for Harry to come and see him bare.

When he finally reached their corridor, he heard a door open and voices in the distance. He walked towards it and saw Niall at the corridor as well, saying something to Harry. Louis stopped, waited for them to finish it. When Harry grimaced at Niall, his eyes strayed and looked up, straight at Louis. That seemed to be the only sign Niall needed, because he turned and looked at Louis as well. He turned back to Harry, said something else while he squeezed his shoulder, turned and left towards where Louis was.

“Niall,” he began when he was close enough, much too soon by how fast he was walking. His face was impassive cold.

“I swear to God, Tomlinson, if you pull that shit again I will break your face in. I don’t care if your family and Gemma and Harry and Auntie Anne will hate me, I will do it.” His accent always got stronger when he was angry.

“I won’t.”

“You better.” Niall buffed and then continued, “and good luck. There’s no one else at home, so take your time and don’t be stupid again.” He punched Louis on the shoulder and left down the stairs. 

Then, there were two.

He could see Harry staring at them, probably had been all the while. He stared back at him, still on the same spot. Suddenly all the confidence he had built up had vanished and he had only been left bare in front of him.

Harry turned inside the house but left the door open. Louis took it as the cue it was and made his way down the corridor and inside.

Everything still looked as he remembered it, a huge mess they tried to keep organized and clean but it was hard to when four people lived in the same space. Louis could recognize Adrian’s ugly shoes haphazardly thrown in the middle of the living room.

He kind of had missed Harry’s home. 

After he stared at everything but Harry, he decided to just go at it. 

He looked well. Louis felt cheated.

“Harry.”

A beat of silence. “Louis.”

Louis smiled a bit, humourlessly. He also had missed his voice calling out to him, even if the tone was all wrong.

“I came to talk to you.”

He nodded. “Niall told me so.”

Louis liked his lips anxiously. “Do you want to talk?”

Another beat of silence. “Not really.”

Louis hummed. Stared down at his hands, back down at the floor, sideways to the wall. “I need you to tell me what the fuck happened, Harry.”

He heard a small shuffle of clothes come from where Harry was. “You know what happened, Louis. You were there.”

“No, I,” he huffed, annoyed, hurt. Looked back at Harry. “I need to know why the fuck did you leave.”

Harry curled his shoulders in.

“Why did you look like you had been crying?”

Louis waited for him to answer and it took some time but he did.

“Because I had been crying.”

“But _ why _ ?”

“Because I held you in my arms and we fucked and it was everything I had ever wanted in my life but it still hadn’t been enough for you,” Harry spit the words suddenly in anger. “Do you have any idea how-”, he choked, “how I-” he turned away, hand covering his face. “I gave everything I had for you, Louis, and it wasn’t enough.”

Louis felt bad saying the words, but he promised he would be honest at least for this.

“I never asked for it, Harry. For any of it.”

“I know. I burned myself out because I wanted to. Because I felt I had to.”

“You were wrong.” Louis tried, softly.

“Not really. I,” he turned to look at Louis again, his hand close against his chest, “I feel all this pain and hurt and love and I couldn’t help myself from feeling it. I only burned out because I forgot I was a person as well and I had to take care of myself. I forgot I wasn’t my feelings.”

Louis winced in sympathy. He had no idea how Harry felt.

“When I,” he began again slowly, “knotted inside you, I felt like I never had before. But I did so again when you broke my heart right after. You built me up and broke me down so ruthlessly it made me finally realize it wasn’t right to put me so vulnerable inside the palm of your hand.”

Louis looked away from Harry, ashamed of something he knew it wasn’t his fault. “I didn’t ask for it, Harry.”

“I know. That’s the worst part of it all.”

Louis hoped he wasn’t about to commit another mistake, but he looked back at him with a courage he didn’t particularly feel and asked of it. “I need you to do it now, though. I want you to be completely honest with me, Harry, because I’ll be completely honest with you as well. I’m tired of these miscommunications.”

Harry avoided his gaze. “What else is there to say? I think everything that could have been said and done already has.”

“No, it hasn’t,” Louis denied vehemently. “We fought and we fucked and we made mistakes, but we never  _ spoke _ . Not about it.” He took a deep breath. “And now I want us to. Need us to.”

Harry seemed to close himself off to Louis once again. He felt a bit vindicated by it, as if it showed Harry had been hurt as well and Louis hadn’t been alone in his miserable month. 

“Give me some time to think.”

“Ok.” Louis replied. “Do you mind if I smoke?”

Harry looked at him from the corner of his eye.

“I’m not going away, don’t even try. You can take your time, but we’re still talking today.”

Louis saw him scrunch up his nose and knew he had won this one.

“Just go by the window and you’ll be fine.”

He took his pack out of his pocket and went to the kitchen to grab two cups of water, one full and one by half. He moved to the window and took one of the chairs from the table as well, predicting he would be there for a long time, chain smoking.

He wasn’t wrong. He tapped the cigarette in the corner of the cup and watched more ash fall down to the water inside. It was full, a whole layer of ash and burned out cigarette filters floating on the top. He thought about getting up and making breakfast, maybe a brunch. He thought about his phone, probably still on his kitchen table. Thought how worried Liam was going to be when he’d wake up. He took another drag.

“Begin by telling me what the fuck did you think you were doing last month.”

Louis turned with a start to see Harry back in the living room, out of his sleeping clothes. He had taken a shower and the fresh smell floated up to him, terribly inciting. He took one last courage drag, exhaled outside of the window and then threw the rest of his fag inside the cup. He got up and made his way closer to Harry before he could answer him.

“What do you want to know?” Louis kept a flat tone but he could see Harry had worked himself into anger, his shoulders tense and eyes hard. Seemed he had had laid himself bare for Louis.

“I want to know what the fuck did you have going on in your head. Did you think it would be fun? Did you want to fuck me over? Did you think I would have been  _ easy _ because I already loved you so now you could use me to relieve your sexual tension?” His voice got lower and he braced himself with every question he asked, his fingers digging on his arms sharply. “ _ Because I was weak for you _ ?”

Louis responded in kind, suddenly just as angry. “I approached it all wrong and I freaked out, ok, Harry? I freaked out. It’s my fault. You said no and I didn’t know how to deal with it, so I freaked out and I’m sorry. It’s my fault.” He sighed, the fight leaving his body again. “I don’t want to be painted as the villain in your history, Harry, nor do I want to keep on thinking of you as mine. I fucked up, I did. I had my reasons. This has been a sore point between us and I never learned how to deal with it, or with you, properly. I want to try it now, that’s why I’m here.”

Harry smiled sourly, “I guess we just don’t know how to talk to each other. Not about what matters, anyway. Do you really want to keep this up?”

“Yes.” He didn’t hesitate. Harry finally deflated as well, just as defeated. What a goddamn bitch of a situation they found themselves in.

Harry turned and approached the table, pointed for Louis to follow suit and sit down with him. He waited for Harry to sit down and then carefully considered the situation. It was a four person table and he had already taken the furthest chair from Harry away. He could take the coward’s way out and go back to bring it over, but instead he pulled the chair closest to Harry a bit farther away from him and sat down, just the perfect position for them to look at each other properly.

“Do you think it means we’re wrong for each other?” He continued as if they hadn’t stopped their earlier train of thought. “That we’re better off apart?”

Harry opened his mouth quickly, but shut it again. He seemed to think about it. He looked anguished, but for the first time he didn’t have a quick answer about them. “I don’t know,” he finally said, slowly. “I’ve been thinking a lot, lately. I’ve had many wrongs in this. We’ve had many wrongs, but also many rights. So I don’t know. We worked as friends for a while.”

“Did we?”

Harry shrugged. “Sometimes it did, when I didn’t get in my head.”

Louis was familiar with how Harry would get lost in his head. It was always a backlash, to suddenly feel yourself at the end of a discussion he never had had. It had happened just now and it had happened the last time they had spoken as well.

“You call it as if you decided it’s solely your fault.”

“I got a good deal of blame in this.”

“So do I.”

“Do you?” He asked, suspicious, incredulous.

Louis shrugged. “We both do.”

Silence. 

Harry sat back on his chair, as fair away from Louis as possible and crossed his arms and legs. “Maybe it does mean we’re better off apart.” 

A pang. “What do you mean?”

“I spent the first decade we knew each other chasing you and disregarding your feelings. Now you went and disregarded mine in the worst way they could have been.”

Louis slapped his hand on top of the table, angry he had to explain himself again. “I thought you had moved on! I thought you were done with it and now we could start clean!”

“How the fuck could I have moved on from it?” Harry pressed his fingertips against his forehead in disbelief, his voice raising higher. “I told you I was going to love you forever, did you think I was joking?”

“YES! Yes, I did!” Louis couldn’t hold his voice down either. “I never understood what the fuck that was all about, Harry, how the fuck could I even take it seriously? How the fuck could I believe you? I didn’t understand! I still don’t! You never told me shit! One day this little kid came and told me he was my soulmate and I was supposed to take that in stride?” He scoffed. “Then what, because you were 16 and bothered me about that shit again I was supposed to believe you?  _ Because you asked to kiss me _ ? What?”

“Because I felt it so of course you should feel it too!” Harry pointed his hands towards Louis, movements terse to get his point across. “You should understand better than anyone what I was going on about! What I was feeling!”

“I don’t and you can’t blame me for that!”

Harry breathed hard and seemed to let his words sink in. “Then why did you propose what you did that night?”

“Because I don’t know what I feel about you. God, Harry, you,” he let a hysterical laugh past his lips, felt it die down with how hilariously unfunny it all was. “You didn’t even wait for me to fall in love.”

“That’s a lie and you know it. All I did about you was waiting, all of this time.”

“No, you’re not listening to me,” he cut the air in front of him to make his point clear. “You didn’t wait for me to fall in love with you. You didn’t  _ give me a chance _ . All of this time you did and you acted on how you already felt and you waited for me to get right there with you, but you didn’t give me space or let me breath. You suffocated whatever feeling I could ever have before it even gave its first breath.”

“Then why now?” His voice was small.

“Because now it seemed like we were on the same footing. We were friends with some baggage. We had the same expectations, we were on the same footing. We were equals. I didn’t need to enter this mad race and try and run myself ragged to get to the same level as you. We were equals.”

“You thought I had moved on,” Harry said in awe, voicing it almost like a question. He was glad Harry had finally understood it.

“I did.” 

Harry paused and seemed to ponder over what Louis had just said. “Then why did you ask for it? Why did you pester me to give in to you?”

“Feels bad, doesn’t it? Being pestered like that?” He said, venom dripping from his voice.

Harry flinched. “Sorry.”

Regret filled him the moment he saw Harry’s reaction. “So am I.” He sighed. “I don’t know. I planned to propose you for that heat, that’s why I didn’t have anyone else to help me out. That wasn’t a lie. What was a lie was the story about me forgetting it was my heat already. I hadn’t forgotten, I just kept chickening out every time I had to ask you. In person I felt ashamed, and by message… it seems like I still find messaging you harder than usual.”

“What do you mean by that?”

“Nothing. The point is,” he breathed in to gather his courage. “I freaked out when you said no.”

“I didn’t say no,” Harry smiled small.

“When you staled,” Louis amended with an eye roll. “I had no one else and I wanted it to be you. So. I pestered.”

“Why did you want it to be me?”

“Are you going to force me to say it?” He flinched.

“Yes.”

“Fine.” Louis huffed. “Because you smell amazing. Because lately I’ve caught myself thinking if I had missed a chance I hadn’t considered I had. Because sometimes I look at you and I think ‘oh there he is, it’s my friend, little Harry-the-pest turned big Harry-the-dork’ and sometimes I think ‘there he is, my attractive alpha friend’. I’ve found myself wondering about things, Harry, and I don’t like it. I like to know. So I thought there was no better way to know it than with a hands on experience.”

“And that’s where you miscalculated.” Harry confirmed.

“And that’s where I miscalculated.”

“Because you forgot of my feelings for you.”

He nodded. “And because I didn’t take in consideration mine either.”

“What do you mean?” He sounded hopeful.

“I don’t know if I’m in love with you, Harry, but I do love you. You’re one of my best friends, you’re one of the most important people I have. The idea of having lost you this month made me depressed. I can’t stand it. I’d rather I hadn’t done anything and have drove myself up the walls not knowing how deep did my attraction run than lose you. Ever. I respect your choice about putting yourself first and if you think there’s no space for me anymore in your life I’ll take that. I will. But first I think I should tell you this: not having you in my life is killing me as well. I love you. I still don’t know how I do, but I know that I do love you.”

Harry passed a hand over his hair, his face. He looked tired. Seemed to think things over and Louis let him take his time. He also needed it, it’d been a lot.

A moment later, Harry gathered his courage again and began slowly.

“I remember when I was about 13, I think,” he scrunched up his nose, “I guess it was, yeah. And I remember reading about Alexander the Great and Hephaestion. We all know that they were an Alpha and Omega couple, but many people, and I mean academic people here, argue that they were one of the first recorded people in History that showed signs that could lead to soulmates being real. Of course they were mates, Alexander held the biting mark to prove that, but it was beyond with them.” He sighed. Looked down to the floor. “I remember obsessively reading everything I could about them. Even the things my reading skills didn’t let me comprehend exactly, because I felt as if I understood them on a deeper level. They were kin, weren’t they? People who had found their soulmate. So was I.” 

He paused again. Louis stayed silent because he didn’t know how to reply to it.

“I remember wishing one day you would love me like Alexander did Hephaestion.”

Louis felt the words resonate through him like a pang.

“Right now, I’m just glad I matter to you enough that the power you have to destroy me seems to be the same I have to destroy you.”

That seemed to flick a switch on Louis’ brain.

“I hear that before.”

Harry smiled small. “Find what you love and let it kill you. Bukowski.”

“Your graduation quote.” Awe. Surprise. “It was about me?”

“It’s always about you, Louis. That’s the thing. I haven’t lived enough about me yet. How could I even intend to be your soulmate or your other half if all this time what I wanted to be was something connected to you? Always giving myself to you? I finally realized it wasn’t right to either of us. I had to be true to myself as well.”

Louis didn’t know how to react.

He felt anger at himself and Harry and destiny and fate and anyone who could be of blame.

Fuck it. Fuck it all. 

“Close your eyes, Harry.”

“What?”

“Just do it.”

He closed them. Louis got up from his chair and approached him cautiously. Watched his face, learned of every emotion presented there. Stared until his contours burned into his retina and in his memory. Touched his cheeks gently and brought Harry’s face upwards so he presented it to Louis, vulnerable and open under his touch. 

“Your face is lovely. It barely shows this storm that you hide inside.”

Harry smiled small, slowly. 

“I thought you weren’t into poetry?”

The dimples stayed hidden. Louis loved them. 

“I have my moments.”

He missed the green of his eyes. He missed the ease they had with each other before. He missed who he was before Harry. He dreaded to be ever left without him.

He leaned down and kissed his forehead gently.

“I love you, Harry.” He breathed out softly. “Please, don’t tell me goodbye ever again.”

“I can’t promise you that,” Harry replied, voice rough.

“It’s okay,” Louis leaned down again, kissed him on the left cheek. “I just wanted to be honest and ask you of that.” He kissed his right cheek. “Lay myself bare.” He kissed the tip of his nose and smiled when he saw Harry scrunch it up.

He opened his eyes and stared up at Louis. “Was that all you intended to do?”

“No,” he left go of the hold he had on Harry’s face and watched him watch him back. “But I got scared.”

“It’s alright,” Harry raised his hands to hold onto Louis’ own and bring them back to his face. He kissed both of his palms. “I want you to do it.”

“You do?”

“Yeah,” he smiled cheekily. “I have for quite a while.”

Louis leaned down and kissed Harry’s upper lip. His stubble scratched Louis’ own lips. He slid his lips down until they fit against Harry’s properly. They felt a bit chaffed underneath his. A little dry. Perfect. He moved timidly, slowly to kiss them again and find a rhythm where both of them enjoyed. Harry’s pulse raced underneath his fingertips. He felt him swallow once before he opened his mouth a little, just enough to be inviting. Louis stepped up even closer to him, movements slow but inside he was desperate for more, for something to hold onto so he didn’t feel like he was in freefall. So he held onto Harry. Dug his fingers inside his hair and bit his lower lip. 

This would have to do. It would have to.

Harry gripped his waist, fingers squeezing him just as desperate but his mouth stayed pliant and soft beneath Louis. Louis licked inside his mouth just once, just to taste him, and with a final soft kiss he stepped back and away from Harry’s warmth.

He still didn’t know how he felt. Harry must have seen it in his eyes because he asked, voice lost.

“So what do we do now?”

Louis searched his face for an answer and didn’t find any. There didn’t seem to be any easy ones, anyway.

“We compromise.” He licked his lips, made a decision and hoped Harry would follow suit. “We start again.” He passed his hands nervously on his trousers before extending one towards Harry. “Hi, my name is Louis William Tomlinson. I’m 28 years old. I’ve never been in love, I think, although I might have properly liked some of my exes. But deep down I know I just want to find someone who I can love wholeheartedly. And you… You annoyed the living shitty hell out of me as a child, and even more when you grew up. You smell amazing to me and it pisses me off. Sometimes I feel like I know you, sometimes I don’t. I’m scared shitless of losing Gemma as my best friend because of you, but now I’m also scared shitless of losing you as my friend. What I did, what I said, it was wrong of me, before. I don’t regret rebuffing you when you were a kid, I might have been rude and whatnot and for that I’m sorry, but I don’t regret it. I do,” he took a deep breath, “I do regret how I dealt with us that other night. You deserved better. I miscalculated your feelings and mine. I don’t know how I feel about you, Harry, and I’m afraid to know, sometimes. Is it worse if I only see you as a friend? Or is it worse if I’ve been wrong this whole time? I don’t know. I just regret how I pushed us over the edge so recklessly. I want us together, I’m just not sure how.”

Harry stared at Louis the whole time he spoke, his face open but with no overwhelming feeling pushing through. Louis bit his lip, waiting for his turn, until Harry got up and extended his hand and griped Louis’ on his own in a firm handshake.

“My name is Harry Edward Styles, I’m four years younger than you. That has been my misfortune since the very first time we met, all those years ago. I fell in love with you then and it has only grown from time. I believe in love at first sight because I have felt it, and I’ve only been in love this once, even if I’ve had other relationships. That doesn’t make me a bad person, nor a good one. I believe in soulmates, because I know we are it. I believe in fate, because you couldn’t have screwed me over so much by yourself,” he smiled cheekily while Louis winced, sure there was no harm behind Harry’s words but still wounded by them. “I don’t regret a single moment I’ve spent with you. I’ve hurt, and I’ve cried, and I’ve healed. In this meantime, I’ve learned to love you as you are, and I’m learning to love myself as I am. We’re stubborn, I know, and a bit cruel sometimes. It’s okay. I don’t have an answer for you, about if it’s worst loving me back or not, but I know I will love you anyway. And it’s okay. It’s okay. We’ll make do.”

They did.

**Author's Note:**

> and if u reader is looking at this thnx for sticking along this mad ride. tell me what u thought mate, or send me a [meme](https://perfectdagger.tumblr.com/post/187887480913/find-what-you-love-my-dear-find-what-you-love)  
, either is fine. Cheers x


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